WHAT ARE EMOTIONS ANYWAY?

Was and still is a tag line I have heard most of my 29 years on earth. It’s quite the revelation when you know who is behind that line. Oxford defines emotions as: “A strong feeling deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.”

I was in a very dark place in my life. So much so as I spoke with my mother & friends the next day they became concerned with my well being. For, the first time in my existence I became the figurative & literal meaning of loneliness. For which is one of my greatest fears all culminated on one singular day. I pride myself on my ability to “pick up the pieces” but not showing up for me, on the literal beginning of a new year was an awful feeling.

2020

What a year. Personally, a year mired in loss and gain. Joy and pain. And to top it off, Covid-19. I fell in love, dropped weight, and got my degree. What’s most importantly is I set up my future.

is an uncertainty that I don’t know. I have a 2 year, 5 year, and 10 year plan but life changes so often there’s no telling what is in store for me. The one thing I can and will say is that I want to stop being selfish. Not in the outwardly way that’s brash and leaves carnage in its wake for those I care for to pick up the pieces, but in the very quiet manner selfishness can manifest.

When you manipulate how someone feels because you’re not feeling better or being respectful of the boundaries they or you set. I get it, it’s cute to be selfish and conflate it with self love because hurt people hurt people. No matter how beautiful you smile or how well you put words together. It’s time to let go and grow.

To get all the way real:

I have been very selfish and too emotional. I rely on my emotions as a super power at times to draw myself closer to people because I lacked true connections at times. I got close to people only to build a invisible wall because I am afraid. Afraid that love wasn’t meant for me in the realm I envisioned. Afraid of what I looked like without what I was comfortable with and to be fair, that reflection is scary as shit. When I went to therapy I understood the beginnings of what trauma looked like and how that shaped my emotions and over reliance on them. New Year’s day was the first time I thought about what would life look like if I wasn’t here. If my existence were to just wash away in the echos of time. The truth is less pretty when surrounded by 4 walls. And to be truthful i’m a very confident man, but even confidence has its perils.

When I love

it becomes

the food for my soul

and you’ve given

me enough to

power my dreams.

My emotions can spill into an ocean of thoughts, ideas, twists and turns. I get it. It can be a lot to process. Especially when you have intimate time with me. Just be patient and I promise I will reward it. I’m learning every day how to handle being emotional. I’ll give you the world if you let me.

So let me not be too long, this will be a monthly occurrence. Where I can have the freedom to honestly criticize, love, and give flowers as I seek fit.

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