Empty halls. Silent echoes. Deaf ears.

I passed my six-month evaluation for the agency I’ve been working in. My heart finally slowed down its beating after a random message from my boss had it up and running. Out of nowhere, the violet icon from a popular messaging app grew a tiny red dot: “I have the results of your evaluation”, I read. “It’s up to you if you want to know it now or tomorrow”, the message continued. Being the impatient person that I am, I of course wanted to know now.

“You passed. But we have a lot to talk about.” Any normal or sane person would have jumped or done something erratic like smile out of joy, crazy, I know. But knowing myself, even just for a little, it was not a surprise that I’d do some bizarre stuff; I yelled “WOO!” without even feeling what the act is supposed to elicit. You can only imagine how that awkward that came out. In retrospect, it almost felt like I was mocking my boss for the result of my evaluation. It seemed that the pessimist in me took over and quickly shot down what was supposed to be a happy moment. I just didn’t feel anything apart from my rapidly pulsating heart which has since cooled down.

I lost my friends.

Perhaps the reason I didn’t jump in glee was that my mind was leagues beyond my ‘self’, that it knew it was pointless to be happy. After all, what’s the point of happiness if you can’t share the joy to someone? Maybe it was my mind’s way of “protecting” me, that it didn’t allow me to feel something when I was naturally inclined to, a kind of defense mechanism if I may.

I lost them, all right, as what happens to things I cherish. Like how my mother can magically find the remote within seconds, in contrast to me searching the whole house for it, I cannot explain why I lost my friends. Some blame me. Some say it was them. Some are indifferent, while I am still in shock. World in shambles, foundations shaken, I was terrorized by sudden loss. Three months have past but the wound remains unhealed with no signs of recovery in sight. My joys un-celebrated, sorrows repressed.

I stare at the void once more.

This emptiness I have been dragging for sometime now. The only reason I think I do so is fear. I’m afraid to face reality. As impatient as I am, this is something I’m not eager to lay my hands on because I’m afraid of being alone. But this isolation feels…inevitable.

Please help me.

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